update

So, I don't have anything new to report really...I'm still tracking my food and still running and walking but I haven't lost any weight this week. but I didn't gain any either... I'm starting to feel discouraged...I think I should go to the gym and see about starting a weight workout....My friend said they have free personal trainers there...I feel like I still have so far to go...I wish it was easier....I really need to kick myself into gear...its hard with the holidays approaching... If only I was a person that was addicted to working out... this would probably go a lot faster..... I guess for now I just keep on chugging along... I should start eating salad for lunch and dinner... instead of what I cook for the fam.... its just so hard to cook food and not eat it.... :(

Still doing it

Just a quick update so that if I want I can come back and look at this and say... i did it!!!! So far I've managed to stay pretty good on my diet... and i keep track of my calories and such... I've decided I hate running..I can only run like a mile before I'm beat... so I tend to walk instead....I can walk for miles and miles and actually really enjoy it...I don't run well.... yesterday was my furthest day..I did one mile before dinner and 4 after... I also took the kids ice skating yesterday which was hell on my old self.... omg my legs hurt so bad.... it took me and madison about half an hour to get around the skating rink... she was literally inching along... so it wasn't very much fun... just painful.... i definitely feel the effects of getting older.... i am getting closer to 30 as each day goes on.... sigh..... if only there were a way to stop time...it would be great.... I have a long way to go still but I've lost 10 pounds since I started.... so that makes me feel pretty good.... Just wish it were easier.... I did all that yesterday and didn't really go over my calories and still didn't lose any weight... I also need to get a new scale... ours sucks...I think it lies to me.... 

that's enough for now.... hopefully when i update again there will be more good things to report!! 

The new trials of dieting and stuff

I have dieting and exercised in the past... I was a member of the gym and really got into it...I was losing weight and inches and it felt great... then something happened... and I just lost all of my mojo.... I don't know what it was that changed... but I am more determined than ever to not lose steam...I have a goal in mind... I am hoping that I will be able to endure the pain and irritations that come with all of this...My legs are killing me..I went for a run last night even though my head hurt pretty bad... and my time wasn't that great... but I did run more of the time than before...It only went up about 16 seconds or so but it was still a little disappointing considering I ran the first 2 laps without stopping at all and pushed myself to run more the whole time... stopping to walk maybe a minute at a time...I feel like once I start getting better I might be more inclined to get out there...I've got a diet tracker on my phone now and I input the foods that I eat and such... so far so good...I like that it has a barcode scanner so if we are eating something from any kind of package with a barcode I can just scan it and put in the amount I ate....I love that!!! So according to my app my calorie count per day should be 1510 and so far most every day I have managed to stay right around there. Today I was under and still had a splurge.... (1/2 cup (measured) of egg nog and a 4 count box of milk duds from halloween. I think it helps my psyche to have little rewards like that and still be under my calories for the day...I can't help but think though that I am starving... all of a sudden I feel like I need to eat more than I usually do...I am being very good...drinking a ton of water and all of that jazz... sigh...doesn't make it any easier...I wish this were easier.... but I'm going to be a success dammit!

On another note, the weather calmed down a little bit.... it's not as hot... and right now it's even raining! I am not running tonight because one it's raining and 2 gary's on the night shift again... so he leaves here at about 520 and I dunno when he will make it home... hopefully by 630 tomorrow morning... I'm not sure it will happen... but it's nice to think I won't have to get up with Ben every morning.

Gary working the night shift brings back a lot of memories...I hate it... but he loves it.... sucks...I end up being the only one with Madison all day... then Ben comes home... and Gary gets up... gets ready for work and leaves.. then I'm left alone with them again to do dinner... clean up ... bath and bedtimes all alone... I hate it...but what can I do... nothing...blah.... i spend more time alone again and I don't really like that.... I wish there was another option..

I am soooooo looking forward to my trip to Hilton Head with Jessy next week....It's going to be so awesome to get away from all my stresses for a few days...I haven't had that in what feels like forever...I got a day away twice in the last year... both times I went to smithfield station ... once with Jessy and once with Gary... that was awesome but it's less than 24 hours and just flies by.... I am very ready ....next Wednesday it's on!!! I just can't wait but at the same time I'm torn because I don't want it to get here and fly by.... It's going to be really weird to leave the kids with Gary..I've never done that before...I've never been away while they were all together... but I think I'm going to have a better time than they are!!! Hahaha.....


I guess that's all for now.... :)

Setting goals

So, to say I have been fat my whole life is a stretch...I look back to my youth and can see I wasn't always fat. I felt fat my whole life, but I can look back to high school even at a size 12 or so and say I really wasn't fat.

I've never been a size 0, and I don't want to be..I just want to get back to where I was before I had kids.... I was a size 16 or so ..... I would love really to get back down to a 12 ...I'm not sure if that's really possible... but I've decided it's time for action...I no longer want to be super fat...I want to be normal.... by the time I turn 30 next year...I've gained so much weight since I first got pregnant.... then I never really lost it... then got pregnant with Madison and again gained some weight and didn't lose it. I could really afford to lose a lot of weight... like a whole person I bet...I have started running... and tracking my diet...I hope to have some results....I have gotten into working out before but this time I really have a goal in mind...I just hope I can make it a reality..... Wish me luck.....

Fall

Fall has recently become one of my favorite seasons. I have discovered over the past few years how much I really love it. I think when I left Va I realized how beautiful fall was there. When we left and moved to Abq I would google pictures from home and look at the beautiful colors of everything and last year I got to experience it in person again. Now we live in a place that is typically green, so two years in a row I get to enjoy the scenery. This year living in Alabama, fall seems to come a lot later than I'm used to. Up until today it's been really hot and muggy and nasty. This morning I woke up to beautiful fall crisp clean air and I'm loving it. I got to the point today where I dug out my fuzzy pajama pants and found my socks and a long sleeve shirt. It's awesome! I still have the windows open so the breeze is blowing through. It's the time of year where we pumpkin all the things, ah..... I just love pumpkin things, except pie.... I'm strangely not a big fan of pumpkin pie.... I think it's because I don't like pie.... who knows. Gary is working today so I am home just enjoying the house to myself while the kids are outside playing. First time I can really say I like Alabama's weather. It's not sunny out, but it's nice.... I started watching this show called Nashville, and really liked some of the songs, so I got them on itunes and have been listening to them. The only thing that would make today better would be to have my mom or Jessy around, or my dad or stepmom, or my grandma.... or aunts.... hell maybe even an aquaintance...I still don't really have any friends here....It's a lonely life I guess.... I do have a trip planned in a couple weeks to meet up with Jessy in Hilton Head. We are both super excited. It's just a bff weekend. We are going to leave everyone at home and have a good weekend. It will be awesome! I can't wait, but at the same time I don't want to rush it because once it gets here the time will fly by and it will be over. There's a chance we will be moving again soon, but I'm not really thinking it will happen. The people at Gary's work put him in for some super secret job that no one knows what it is... so I don't really know anything else but if we move it will be to Las Vegas. Not really happy about that, but I think we would get more visitors. Flights are cheaper at any rate.... but it would suck to move back to the desert. I didn't like living in Abq because of the lack of water or things that were green, so I don't know.... I just had some free time and thought it would be a good time to update.... I'm trying to keep this blog a regular thing but time gets away from me...At any rate.... Happy Fall!!!

Maggots

After throwing away some chicken parts due to the stupid commissary not having boneless skinless chicken breasts... or any chicken breasts...we got a giant maggot issue in our trash can. It stunk and it was just so gross. Well the trash men did not dump out the trash can like usual so the trash can was left full of maggots. SO FREAKING GROSS. Gary wouldn't help me with cleaning them. It was awful. I had an idea that I would dump them out into the road and spray them down the storm drain. That was a great idea except they went everywhere! They were crawling all over and weren't that easy to spray down. Everytime I looked down I screamed because there would be one crawling on me!!! it was awful. I was so mad at Gary... he just said we shouldn't clean it out ... and just let them turn into flies and fly away. Typical men. He refused to help and just came in and was on the computer. Eff that....I was so mad. Talk about a shitty day! I wish I was still in Va...I miss having people....I have no fucking people here at all. There's a neighbor I talk to a little but I can tell she doens't really want to talk to me. And there's another neighbor but she's really busy with her kids... and she's a lot older than me, so I guess I won't be good friends with her. Plus a lot of people are only here temporarily. I'm so lonely. I actually kind of miss albuquerque. I mean I know it wouldn't have been the same because my favorite neighbor moved, but at least there was some one else to hang out with. I don't know how much of my husband and kids I can take! I wish it were easier to make friends. I wish Va was closer than  hours....it's too far to just jump in the car and go home.... with gas almost 4 bucks a gallon again its just not possible. I'm sad. Jessy and I are planning on going to Hilton Head in November. So that will be awesome. I've been looking into hotels and stuff but its hard because I don't know where to stay! I guess at least it gives me something to do and something to look forward to for sure. I'm ready!!!  

The finger incident

So last night ... we are all doing things upstairs... cleaning rooms and Gary was putting away his laundry and I was cleaning stuff...well Ben started slamming his door... and Madison was laughing... so Gary comes out and  tells Ben he needs to be careful not to slam Madison's fingers in the door... and goes back to his room to put his clothes away...i'm next door gathering madison's dirty clothes to bring downstairs and it happens... the uncontrollable wails.... he somehow got her finger... and it was the worst gut wrenching screams you've ever heard... her finger swelled instantly... and one side had a big red mark  and the other side the skin broke and was bleeding a little... the whole thing got all puffy.... Gary flipped out because he JUST told Ben not to do that.... so Ben is screaming and crying.. Madison is wailing uncontrollably.... I thought Gary was going to beat him! He didn't... he kept his cool but he was so mad...I've never actually seen him get so mad at either of the kids EVER.... poor girl... we decided to wait overnight since it was bedtime to see how her finger looked this morning and it was okay. We think it's fine. Hopefully. 
What is really disturbing is after we got Madison down for bed Ben was downstairs and we were sort of lecturing him about what happened and told him accidents happen but things like that can be prevented, we know he didn't do it on purpose.. blah blah blah... and Ben asks... What if I did do it on purpose.... 




WHAT??? DID YOU DO IT ON PURPOSE???

Ben says no, he just wanted to know... but that's a really strange question to ask...Gary told him if he did do it on purpose then he needs to go somewhere and get some help... he said if he had done it on purpose he would have beat the shit out of him... which really took me by surprise....Now I've always had this weird feeling about Ben...I love him to death don't get me wrong... but when he gets mad... like really mad.... I swear he reminds me of a serial killer... he gets super beat red... and starts shaking... and literally looks like he's going to freaking explode... now he's asking weird questions about hurting his sister on purpose...I was like if you did it on purpose... you're going to have to live somewhere else where people can help you, gary was like yeah, there would be something wrong with you psychologically if you did do it on purpose... and if you did you really need to let us know so we can get you some help. Ben says no... but the doubt is there now.... 


Stressed me out... the whole situation...After Ben went out of the room Gary looks at me and is like What the fuck kind of question is that...I said...I told you... there's something not right in his mind I think..>I wonder seriously if I should see about getting him some kind of counseling or soemthing...I would hate to be that mom that saw things and didn't do anything about them and then one day... the unimaginable happened.... not sure what to do.... maybe I should talk to his doctor and see what she says????