Sigh

Well once again I have found myself in a new place, trying to adjust... no  matter what i do sometimes it seems like we are just going to drown....i almost wonder sometimes if its worth it... like really... sometimes one thinks love just isn't enough....its obvious in the world...with all the divorces and murders that love really isn't enough. there's no way.... anyways... me and g are living in 2 different places... for what started out as a few months... now its up to 9....i moved back to va....to be around family... because honestly... there's not much in me that feels like i could make it alone....i feel so alone still....even with everyone i have here that i love.... its just not quite the same...i wish we were just back to the way things were.... i don't like the role of a single mom...its not fun... and i don't like being looked at like i am one... i just want my family....i like the comforts of knowing that we are a team...even if its completely fucked up and weird.... it works... and without him sometimes i feel so alone.... have about 8 more months to go... that is of course unless they change it yet again... who knows...i feel like we have no answers.... and they just keep making shit up as they go...its not fair... i just want to smoke... that would really make me feel better.... i literally just want to hole up in my bed and cry... but then i remember this bed isn't very comfortable... and no one else is around to help out if i'm having a bad day.... stressed out.... i can't let myself get consumed...i have to keep acting like everything is still okay, that i'm doing great... but honestly.... i don't' know how i'm going to get through it... the kids aren't really adjusting well either... which is making things so much worse.... i'm hoping things get better...i mean its really great to be around those that i love but its just so hard sometimes.... when you haven't been around them all for like 5 years.... and all of a sudden just are...its kind of weird....i know i'm lucky to have them all... but sometimes i wonder if i did the right thing... my kids are so shooken up and spooked out.... my daughter won't leave my side... my son can't seem to stop pissing himself... and crying.... wtf..... i swear i don't know how people do this shit..i'm not weak.. but i really just don't know how people do it... i might need to be institutionalized here by the time the nine months is over.... sigh

living room is complete

Well, we have officially finished furnishing the living room....it looks really good if I do say so myself! Its really nice to have furniture that doesn't try to eat you!

Are you freaking kidding me!!!!

So after we finally got all of our new furniture.... took 2 weeks to get it all... apparently the sales guy didn't tell us the couch would be coming separate from the wedge, loveseat and recliner... the people said that it would come next thursday... yesterday...it didn't...it was rescheduled without anyone telling me for saturday... well that doesn't work... soccer started again and we don't like being home on saturday... so i complained until they brought it today... the delivery time was between 4 pm and midnight... WTF.... who the hell is delivering furniture at midnight... anyway... we got it...it's freaking awesome...madison loves the bed... she cried when we folded it back up... and was all trying t take the cushions off the thing to get the bed back! haha...
well... me ... being the clumsiest person in the freaking world... somehow managed to knock over a wax burner full of hot wax onto the loveseat this evening.... OMG.... i spend the whole night getting wax out of my 1 week and 1 day old loveseat... took freaking forever.... a roll of paper towels, a big face towel, a hair dryer, a butter knife... a toothbrush and an iron... but i think it looks pretty good.... got the wax out... thankfully it was WHITE.... if it would have been anything else it would have been soooo much worse... lesson learned i suppose... no more tart burners in the living room... :(

Sickness

Doesn't it seem like once someone in your house gets sick thats it...it's over... no one will be well again for a long time... no matter how much you clean and lysol and bleach... that sickness will linger in your house until summertime and you open all the windows and somehow it blows out.... yeah.... well ... that's our house.... this time its me... but i'm sure by the weekend it will be someone else.... it has been gary almost all season.... madison has had a cold here and there... ben has unbelievably been well... knock on wood... but today i feel like ass.... of course life goes on when i'm sick.... i'm the only one apparently that has to continue with daily life when my asshole is on fire.... oh the joys of being a mom.... i'm ready for summer!!!

Tis the season.....

for a new year... and a new blog...
well... vacation for the boys has finally come to an end... here in about thirty minutes gary will leave for his first night of work since the day before christmas eve.... and tommorrow morning ben will go back to school for the first day in like 3 weeks.... i'm kind of torn over the whole thing... it was pretty sweet having us all home together for that long... we got to spend some quality time together.... play with our xmas gifts... and just enjoy each other's company.... and of course fight... but now we won't get to do it again until we go home in june... and even that... not a vacation... haha.... we wind up so stressed out by the time we leave va.... whew.... i'm just looking forward to the beach... but first...... jessy will be here in 9 days! I'm sooooo ready!!!! single digit countdown now.... 9 days before we start tearing shit up... well... more like 10 because we won't be tearing anything up the day she gets here since gary has to work;....i figure we can chill out and do other shit that day.... xmas and all that jazz.... alright... well ... i gotta get to work on my house! Laundry is my new years resolutiion.... i need to get better at keeping up with the laundry! Wish me luck!!!!!!