Sigh

Well once again I have found myself in a new place, trying to adjust... no  matter what i do sometimes it seems like we are just going to drown....i almost wonder sometimes if its worth it... like really... sometimes one thinks love just isn't enough....its obvious in the world...with all the divorces and murders that love really isn't enough. there's no way.... anyways... me and g are living in 2 different places... for what started out as a few months... now its up to 9....i moved back to va....to be around family... because honestly... there's not much in me that feels like i could make it alone....i feel so alone still....even with everyone i have here that i love.... its just not quite the same...i wish we were just back to the way things were.... i don't like the role of a single mom...its not fun... and i don't like being looked at like i am one... i just want my family....i like the comforts of knowing that we are a team...even if its completely fucked up and weird.... it works... and without him sometimes i feel so alone.... have about 8 more months to go... that is of course unless they change it yet again... who knows...i feel like we have no answers.... and they just keep making shit up as they go...its not fair... i just want to smoke... that would really make me feel better.... i literally just want to hole up in my bed and cry... but then i remember this bed isn't very comfortable... and no one else is around to help out if i'm having a bad day.... stressed out.... i can't let myself get consumed...i have to keep acting like everything is still okay, that i'm doing great... but honestly.... i don't' know how i'm going to get through it... the kids aren't really adjusting well either... which is making things so much worse.... i'm hoping things get better...i mean its really great to be around those that i love but its just so hard sometimes.... when you haven't been around them all for like 5 years.... and all of a sudden just are...its kind of weird....i know i'm lucky to have them all... but sometimes i wonder if i did the right thing... my kids are so shooken up and spooked out.... my daughter won't leave my side... my son can't seem to stop pissing himself... and crying.... wtf..... i swear i don't know how people do this shit..i'm not weak.. but i really just don't know how people do it... i might need to be institutionalized here by the time the nine months is over.... sigh