The things I couldn't say

I wish we were closer and had a better relationship. I wish you weren't afraid to tell me things that are going on with you. I wish you trusted me enough to tell me what's going on. I suppose you don't want me to worry about you and think that not telling me about it is the best key, but honestly it just makes me feel like you don't care enough about me to give it to me straight. I wish I could tell you that I knew you loved me. I wish  I could tell you that I loved you. I wish things were different for us. I wish you never had such a horrible sickness. I wish you didn't have to have another surgery. I wish you were done with your treatments. I wish it would go away. I wish you didn't go away when I was younger. I wish I wouldn't have distanced myself. I wish you would have tried harder to stay in contact with me instead of just vanishing.  I wish you were able to be more open with me. I wish  I was able to be more open with you. I don't understand why we weren't able to have a normal relationship but I hope that one day, things will change. I wish I knew more about you.... I wish there was a do-over button... there's no other relationship in my life that I wish I could change as much as the one between us. I  know I made some mistakes... and I know you made some too.... I just wish they were fixable. I wish I could have a relationship with you that wasn't so strange. I wish I wouldn't have ever seen you with J. Until that point I just figured you just didn't know how or weren't that kind of person. The day I saw you interact with her it broke my heart. I knew you were able to do things with her and talk with her in a way I couldn't ever imagine. I feel we could sit in a room for a day and probably not say a single word to each other. I wish I knew if there was a reason for that. I feel sometimes like you a stranger to me. I don't know too much about you. I feel like I know more about her than I know about you. I love her too, don't get me wrong...   I feel she was probably the best choice you ever made in your life.... and I have always thought she was great. You guys together give me inspiration for my own life. I hope know that I'm not a horrible person, a horrible daughter. I hope that you are happy in your heart. I hope you don't think I don't care. I hope you don't hold a grudge as long I can. I hope you know that no matter what happened in the past or the what happens in the future that I love you. I've never told you and I can't remember a time where you ever told me. I wish that weren't the case. I wish today wouldn't have been the 3rd time I remember hugging you. I wish today wasn't the first time I really felt like a hug was appropriate. I wish today wouldn't have been the first time I felt like you really hugged me. I hope it isn't the last. I hope you don't think I'm crazy. I hope you don't think I don't care. As I pulled away from your house today I said I love you to your house. You were already in. I cried on the way home because I wasn't able to tell you to your face.  I'm nervous. I am so scared that something could go wrong and I'm not ready to lose you. I wish I wasn't such a baby. I wish I didn't feel like you never wanted me. I wish I didn't have to write this into a blog to make my mind stop thinking about it. I wish I wasn't crying because it makes me angry. I hope you are proud of me despite me not having any real accomplishments. I hope you love me, but I hope you love your grandkids more. They deserve more than I got. I tell my kids every single day that I love them because I honestly want them to know. If something happened to me tomorrow I want my kids to know how much they mean to me and that I loved them with every inch of my being. I hug them and kiss them EVERY day.... even if they are in trouble. I want them to know. I want them to have the affections that make them feel complete I wish I was able to tell you this myself, but the words would never come out. I wish I was able to send this to you without feeling different the next time I see you. I wish that it wouldn't change anything, but I know it would. I wish we had a different relationship. I love you. I wish you the best on Wednesday. I wish I could come and see you at the hospital but I know it would make us both uncomfortable. I wish it didn't make us uncomfortable. We can't change our pasts... we can't go back and change anything. No bad decisions can be prevented after they happen, but they can before. Today was a good step. I hope you don't think it was weird. I wish you the best on Wednesday and I hope to hear from you soon. I love you.