Been too long

Well, 
Again it has been way to long since I have updated this blog...I forget about it and then tons of things happen and I forget it all. 

Biggest thing is I moved to Alabama. It's interesting here I suppose. It's really hot and humid... and the people are either super nice or super rude. I think it just depends on which area of town you go to. 

We live on base now, it's okay I suppose. The houses are really cheap and sorta crappy... it seems smaller than our house in abq but the kids really love it here, there is a park out back and i swear everyone comes to that park. There are always kids out there... even when it rains! 

Ben goes to school on base but its not the base we live on... its about 20 minutes away to the other base. It's going pretty good so far. 

We got everything and unpacked... and i'd say we are pretty settled...  we hope to not be here forever... but I guess we will see... gary doesn't do his real job here so he is complaining pretty bad to the higher ups... i guess hoping to get moved so he can actually use the 10 months of training... but who knows... hopefully it doesn't backfire and keep us here longer...

I don't honestly think I could say that I will miss this place when I move. I don't really have any friends here, and I don't have a lot of opportunities to meet new people. Plus... I don't do real well with people anyway. I have 2 nice neighbors... and I talk to them sometimes... but I can tell they don't really have an interest in being my friend... one of them is significantly older than me ... and busy with her own kids... and the other is younger than me with no kids... so we don't have too much in common. I miss abq a little because I did have awesome friends there... I miss Amber and Carla so much... I still talk to them sometimes... and I of course still have Jessy... but its so hard being so far away. Although, while I was in Va for the 10 months I feel like she kind of blew me off a lot to hang out with her other friends..I mean I guess I get it since I have the kids and stuff... but it kind of hurt my feeling a little... I guess it was for the best... it would have been harder to move if we had been hanging out all the time...

I guess only time will tell... I am really excited though about November... Jessy and I are planning a girls weekend when the new twilight movie comes out... we are planning on going to the marathon! it's going to be awesome... right now we are thinking hilton head... neither of us have been before...it's going to be epic! i'm super excited! 

Well..I think that's a pretty good update for now.... More later if I remember! 

Good Bye Winter

Goodbye old man winter..... we really didn't get that aquainted this year.... I am not sad to see you go.., we have been having great weather this winter... and come tomorrow is spring!!!!!!! All the flowers are blooming and things start to look alive again. The grass will be green. The sky will be blue. The flowers will be pink and red and all the other colors. It has been a pretty great spring so far. The kids and I go outside and spend a lot of time out there.... they like to ride their bikes and scooters and they seem to be better behaved outside.... at least for the time being...i can't wait until we move and have a yard that I can let them out to play in without having to be right there supervising them all the time.... that will be nice..... only a few months left...i'm ready to be moving on in my life... get my stuff back.. and be able to parent my kids how i see fit... got in an argument about kids being able to scream outside... my perogative is .. .no screaming in the house.. but if they are outside.. they can screeam... all they want... of course others disagree.... mema doesn't think they should ever scream... or make noise... so stupid.... i just want to have my own house and yard again.... sigh.s...

Children

I swear I don't understand how people can WANT to be a single parent...I swear.... today B had a program at school that he had to sing at... so half an hour before he had to be there I was ready to go,  one problem... coulnd't find the keys... turns out after 45 minutes of looking for them they were in M's carseat... why? Because B had to go out to the car and get his backpack last night and forgot to bring the keys outside... so he missed 2 of the songs that he was supposed to sing.... and got in trouble... so he didn't do his best....I don't have the patience to be a good mom...I don't understand how people can say they want to be a single parent... there's no one else to help you do anything... and it's very very stressful....

Writing

I notice that when something is really bothering me it makes me feel better to write it all down... but I don't trust writing stuff down on paper.... I don't think that I like other people to be able to read what I write...I mean this is the internet and stuff... but the people I don't want to read my stuff probably couldn't figure out how to find it. I kind of miss my diary that I had online.... It was a place where I could go and post whatever I wanted but I kind of feel that I am too old for that now.... In a way I feel important if I think of myself as a blog writer... haha.... stupid I know... but it worked...I felt so much better last night after I wrote that blog... and I wasn't upset about it. I hope to write in this blog more often...Might be more healthy for me....Heh...We'll see...

The things I couldn't say

I wish we were closer and had a better relationship. I wish you weren't afraid to tell me things that are going on with you. I wish you trusted me enough to tell me what's going on. I suppose you don't want me to worry about you and think that not telling me about it is the best key, but honestly it just makes me feel like you don't care enough about me to give it to me straight. I wish I could tell you that I knew you loved me. I wish  I could tell you that I loved you. I wish things were different for us. I wish you never had such a horrible sickness. I wish you didn't have to have another surgery. I wish you were done with your treatments. I wish it would go away. I wish you didn't go away when I was younger. I wish I wouldn't have distanced myself. I wish you would have tried harder to stay in contact with me instead of just vanishing.  I wish you were able to be more open with me. I wish  I was able to be more open with you. I don't understand why we weren't able to have a normal relationship but I hope that one day, things will change. I wish I knew more about you.... I wish there was a do-over button... there's no other relationship in my life that I wish I could change as much as the one between us. I  know I made some mistakes... and I know you made some too.... I just wish they were fixable. I wish I could have a relationship with you that wasn't so strange. I wish I wouldn't have ever seen you with J. Until that point I just figured you just didn't know how or weren't that kind of person. The day I saw you interact with her it broke my heart. I knew you were able to do things with her and talk with her in a way I couldn't ever imagine. I feel we could sit in a room for a day and probably not say a single word to each other. I wish I knew if there was a reason for that. I feel sometimes like you a stranger to me. I don't know too much about you. I feel like I know more about her than I know about you. I love her too, don't get me wrong...   I feel she was probably the best choice you ever made in your life.... and I have always thought she was great. You guys together give me inspiration for my own life. I hope know that I'm not a horrible person, a horrible daughter. I hope that you are happy in your heart. I hope you don't think I don't care. I hope you don't hold a grudge as long I can. I hope you know that no matter what happened in the past or the what happens in the future that I love you. I've never told you and I can't remember a time where you ever told me. I wish that weren't the case. I wish today wouldn't have been the 3rd time I remember hugging you. I wish today wasn't the first time I really felt like a hug was appropriate. I wish today wouldn't have been the first time I felt like you really hugged me. I hope it isn't the last. I hope you don't think I'm crazy. I hope you don't think I don't care. As I pulled away from your house today I said I love you to your house. You were already in. I cried on the way home because I wasn't able to tell you to your face.  I'm nervous. I am so scared that something could go wrong and I'm not ready to lose you. I wish I wasn't such a baby. I wish I didn't feel like you never wanted me. I wish I didn't have to write this into a blog to make my mind stop thinking about it. I wish I wasn't crying because it makes me angry. I hope you are proud of me despite me not having any real accomplishments. I hope you love me, but I hope you love your grandkids more. They deserve more than I got. I tell my kids every single day that I love them because I honestly want them to know. If something happened to me tomorrow I want my kids to know how much they mean to me and that I loved them with every inch of my being. I hug them and kiss them EVERY day.... even if they are in trouble. I want them to know. I want them to have the affections that make them feel complete I wish I was able to tell you this myself, but the words would never come out. I wish I was able to send this to you without feeling different the next time I see you. I wish that it wouldn't change anything, but I know it would. I wish we had a different relationship. I love you. I wish you the best on Wednesday. I wish I could come and see you at the hospital but I know it would make us both uncomfortable. I wish it didn't make us uncomfortable. We can't change our pasts... we can't go back and change anything. No bad decisions can be prevented after they happen, but they can before. Today was a good step. I hope you don't think it was weird. I wish you the best on Wednesday and I hope to hear from you soon. I love you.

Sigh

Well once again I have found myself in a new place, trying to adjust... no  matter what i do sometimes it seems like we are just going to drown....i almost wonder sometimes if its worth it... like really... sometimes one thinks love just isn't enough....its obvious in the world...with all the divorces and murders that love really isn't enough. there's no way.... anyways... me and g are living in 2 different places... for what started out as a few months... now its up to 9....i moved back to va....to be around family... because honestly... there's not much in me that feels like i could make it alone....i feel so alone still....even with everyone i have here that i love.... its just not quite the same...i wish we were just back to the way things were.... i don't like the role of a single mom...its not fun... and i don't like being looked at like i am one... i just want my family....i like the comforts of knowing that we are a team...even if its completely fucked up and weird.... it works... and without him sometimes i feel so alone.... have about 8 more months to go... that is of course unless they change it yet again... who knows...i feel like we have no answers.... and they just keep making shit up as they go...its not fair... i just want to smoke... that would really make me feel better.... i literally just want to hole up in my bed and cry... but then i remember this bed isn't very comfortable... and no one else is around to help out if i'm having a bad day.... stressed out.... i can't let myself get consumed...i have to keep acting like everything is still okay, that i'm doing great... but honestly.... i don't' know how i'm going to get through it... the kids aren't really adjusting well either... which is making things so much worse.... i'm hoping things get better...i mean its really great to be around those that i love but its just so hard sometimes.... when you haven't been around them all for like 5 years.... and all of a sudden just are...its kind of weird....i know i'm lucky to have them all... but sometimes i wonder if i did the right thing... my kids are so shooken up and spooked out.... my daughter won't leave my side... my son can't seem to stop pissing himself... and crying.... wtf..... i swear i don't know how people do this shit..i'm not weak.. but i really just don't know how people do it... i might need to be institutionalized here by the time the nine months is over.... sigh

living room is complete

Well, we have officially finished furnishing the living room....it looks really good if I do say so myself! Its really nice to have furniture that doesn't try to eat you!