update

So, I don't have anything new to report really...I'm still tracking my food and still running and walking but I haven't lost any weight this week. but I didn't gain any either... I'm starting to feel discouraged...I think I should go to the gym and see about starting a weight workout....My friend said they have free personal trainers there...I feel like I still have so far to go...I wish it was easier....I really need to kick myself into gear...its hard with the holidays approaching... If only I was a person that was addicted to working out... this would probably go a lot faster..... I guess for now I just keep on chugging along... I should start eating salad for lunch and dinner... instead of what I cook for the fam.... its just so hard to cook food and not eat it.... :(

Still doing it

Just a quick update so that if I want I can come back and look at this and say... i did it!!!! So far I've managed to stay pretty good on my diet... and i keep track of my calories and such... I've decided I hate running..I can only run like a mile before I'm beat... so I tend to walk instead....I can walk for miles and miles and actually really enjoy it...I don't run well.... yesterday was my furthest day..I did one mile before dinner and 4 after... I also took the kids ice skating yesterday which was hell on my old self.... omg my legs hurt so bad.... it took me and madison about half an hour to get around the skating rink... she was literally inching along... so it wasn't very much fun... just painful.... i definitely feel the effects of getting older.... i am getting closer to 30 as each day goes on.... sigh..... if only there were a way to stop time...it would be great.... I have a long way to go still but I've lost 10 pounds since I started.... so that makes me feel pretty good.... Just wish it were easier.... I did all that yesterday and didn't really go over my calories and still didn't lose any weight... I also need to get a new scale... ours sucks...I think it lies to me.... 

that's enough for now.... hopefully when i update again there will be more good things to report!! 

The new trials of dieting and stuff

I have dieting and exercised in the past... I was a member of the gym and really got into it...I was losing weight and inches and it felt great... then something happened... and I just lost all of my mojo.... I don't know what it was that changed... but I am more determined than ever to not lose steam...I have a goal in mind... I am hoping that I will be able to endure the pain and irritations that come with all of this...My legs are killing me..I went for a run last night even though my head hurt pretty bad... and my time wasn't that great... but I did run more of the time than before...It only went up about 16 seconds or so but it was still a little disappointing considering I ran the first 2 laps without stopping at all and pushed myself to run more the whole time... stopping to walk maybe a minute at a time...I feel like once I start getting better I might be more inclined to get out there...I've got a diet tracker on my phone now and I input the foods that I eat and such... so far so good...I like that it has a barcode scanner so if we are eating something from any kind of package with a barcode I can just scan it and put in the amount I ate....I love that!!! So according to my app my calorie count per day should be 1510 and so far most every day I have managed to stay right around there. Today I was under and still had a splurge.... (1/2 cup (measured) of egg nog and a 4 count box of milk duds from halloween. I think it helps my psyche to have little rewards like that and still be under my calories for the day...I can't help but think though that I am starving... all of a sudden I feel like I need to eat more than I usually do...I am being very good...drinking a ton of water and all of that jazz... sigh...doesn't make it any easier...I wish this were easier.... but I'm going to be a success dammit!

On another note, the weather calmed down a little bit.... it's not as hot... and right now it's even raining! I am not running tonight because one it's raining and 2 gary's on the night shift again... so he leaves here at about 520 and I dunno when he will make it home... hopefully by 630 tomorrow morning... I'm not sure it will happen... but it's nice to think I won't have to get up with Ben every morning.

Gary working the night shift brings back a lot of memories...I hate it... but he loves it.... sucks...I end up being the only one with Madison all day... then Ben comes home... and Gary gets up... gets ready for work and leaves.. then I'm left alone with them again to do dinner... clean up ... bath and bedtimes all alone... I hate it...but what can I do... nothing...blah.... i spend more time alone again and I don't really like that.... I wish there was another option..

I am soooooo looking forward to my trip to Hilton Head with Jessy next week....It's going to be so awesome to get away from all my stresses for a few days...I haven't had that in what feels like forever...I got a day away twice in the last year... both times I went to smithfield station ... once with Jessy and once with Gary... that was awesome but it's less than 24 hours and just flies by.... I am very ready ....next Wednesday it's on!!! I just can't wait but at the same time I'm torn because I don't want it to get here and fly by.... It's going to be really weird to leave the kids with Gary..I've never done that before...I've never been away while they were all together... but I think I'm going to have a better time than they are!!! Hahaha.....


I guess that's all for now.... :)

Setting goals

So, to say I have been fat my whole life is a stretch...I look back to my youth and can see I wasn't always fat. I felt fat my whole life, but I can look back to high school even at a size 12 or so and say I really wasn't fat.

I've never been a size 0, and I don't want to be..I just want to get back to where I was before I had kids.... I was a size 16 or so ..... I would love really to get back down to a 12 ...I'm not sure if that's really possible... but I've decided it's time for action...I no longer want to be super fat...I want to be normal.... by the time I turn 30 next year...I've gained so much weight since I first got pregnant.... then I never really lost it... then got pregnant with Madison and again gained some weight and didn't lose it. I could really afford to lose a lot of weight... like a whole person I bet...I have started running... and tracking my diet...I hope to have some results....I have gotten into working out before but this time I really have a goal in mind...I just hope I can make it a reality..... Wish me luck.....

Fall

Fall has recently become one of my favorite seasons. I have discovered over the past few years how much I really love it. I think when I left Va I realized how beautiful fall was there. When we left and moved to Abq I would google pictures from home and look at the beautiful colors of everything and last year I got to experience it in person again. Now we live in a place that is typically green, so two years in a row I get to enjoy the scenery. This year living in Alabama, fall seems to come a lot later than I'm used to. Up until today it's been really hot and muggy and nasty. This morning I woke up to beautiful fall crisp clean air and I'm loving it. I got to the point today where I dug out my fuzzy pajama pants and found my socks and a long sleeve shirt. It's awesome! I still have the windows open so the breeze is blowing through. It's the time of year where we pumpkin all the things, ah..... I just love pumpkin things, except pie.... I'm strangely not a big fan of pumpkin pie.... I think it's because I don't like pie.... who knows. Gary is working today so I am home just enjoying the house to myself while the kids are outside playing. First time I can really say I like Alabama's weather. It's not sunny out, but it's nice.... I started watching this show called Nashville, and really liked some of the songs, so I got them on itunes and have been listening to them. The only thing that would make today better would be to have my mom or Jessy around, or my dad or stepmom, or my grandma.... or aunts.... hell maybe even an aquaintance...I still don't really have any friends here....It's a lonely life I guess.... I do have a trip planned in a couple weeks to meet up with Jessy in Hilton Head. We are both super excited. It's just a bff weekend. We are going to leave everyone at home and have a good weekend. It will be awesome! I can't wait, but at the same time I don't want to rush it because once it gets here the time will fly by and it will be over. There's a chance we will be moving again soon, but I'm not really thinking it will happen. The people at Gary's work put him in for some super secret job that no one knows what it is... so I don't really know anything else but if we move it will be to Las Vegas. Not really happy about that, but I think we would get more visitors. Flights are cheaper at any rate.... but it would suck to move back to the desert. I didn't like living in Abq because of the lack of water or things that were green, so I don't know.... I just had some free time and thought it would be a good time to update.... I'm trying to keep this blog a regular thing but time gets away from me...At any rate.... Happy Fall!!!

Maggots

After throwing away some chicken parts due to the stupid commissary not having boneless skinless chicken breasts... or any chicken breasts...we got a giant maggot issue in our trash can. It stunk and it was just so gross. Well the trash men did not dump out the trash can like usual so the trash can was left full of maggots. SO FREAKING GROSS. Gary wouldn't help me with cleaning them. It was awful. I had an idea that I would dump them out into the road and spray them down the storm drain. That was a great idea except they went everywhere! They were crawling all over and weren't that easy to spray down. Everytime I looked down I screamed because there would be one crawling on me!!! it was awful. I was so mad at Gary... he just said we shouldn't clean it out ... and just let them turn into flies and fly away. Typical men. He refused to help and just came in and was on the computer. Eff that....I was so mad. Talk about a shitty day! I wish I was still in Va...I miss having people....I have no fucking people here at all. There's a neighbor I talk to a little but I can tell she doens't really want to talk to me. And there's another neighbor but she's really busy with her kids... and she's a lot older than me, so I guess I won't be good friends with her. Plus a lot of people are only here temporarily. I'm so lonely. I actually kind of miss albuquerque. I mean I know it wouldn't have been the same because my favorite neighbor moved, but at least there was some one else to hang out with. I don't know how much of my husband and kids I can take! I wish it were easier to make friends. I wish Va was closer than  hours....it's too far to just jump in the car and go home.... with gas almost 4 bucks a gallon again its just not possible. I'm sad. Jessy and I are planning on going to Hilton Head in November. So that will be awesome. I've been looking into hotels and stuff but its hard because I don't know where to stay! I guess at least it gives me something to do and something to look forward to for sure. I'm ready!!!  

The finger incident

So last night ... we are all doing things upstairs... cleaning rooms and Gary was putting away his laundry and I was cleaning stuff...well Ben started slamming his door... and Madison was laughing... so Gary comes out and  tells Ben he needs to be careful not to slam Madison's fingers in the door... and goes back to his room to put his clothes away...i'm next door gathering madison's dirty clothes to bring downstairs and it happens... the uncontrollable wails.... he somehow got her finger... and it was the worst gut wrenching screams you've ever heard... her finger swelled instantly... and one side had a big red mark  and the other side the skin broke and was bleeding a little... the whole thing got all puffy.... Gary flipped out because he JUST told Ben not to do that.... so Ben is screaming and crying.. Madison is wailing uncontrollably.... I thought Gary was going to beat him! He didn't... he kept his cool but he was so mad...I've never actually seen him get so mad at either of the kids EVER.... poor girl... we decided to wait overnight since it was bedtime to see how her finger looked this morning and it was okay. We think it's fine. Hopefully. 
What is really disturbing is after we got Madison down for bed Ben was downstairs and we were sort of lecturing him about what happened and told him accidents happen but things like that can be prevented, we know he didn't do it on purpose.. blah blah blah... and Ben asks... What if I did do it on purpose.... 




WHAT??? DID YOU DO IT ON PURPOSE???

Ben says no, he just wanted to know... but that's a really strange question to ask...Gary told him if he did do it on purpose then he needs to go somewhere and get some help... he said if he had done it on purpose he would have beat the shit out of him... which really took me by surprise....Now I've always had this weird feeling about Ben...I love him to death don't get me wrong... but when he gets mad... like really mad.... I swear he reminds me of a serial killer... he gets super beat red... and starts shaking... and literally looks like he's going to freaking explode... now he's asking weird questions about hurting his sister on purpose...I was like if you did it on purpose... you're going to have to live somewhere else where people can help you, gary was like yeah, there would be something wrong with you psychologically if you did do it on purpose... and if you did you really need to let us know so we can get you some help. Ben says no... but the doubt is there now.... 


Stressed me out... the whole situation...After Ben went out of the room Gary looks at me and is like What the fuck kind of question is that...I said...I told you... there's something not right in his mind I think..>I wonder seriously if I should see about getting him some kind of counseling or soemthing...I would hate to be that mom that saw things and didn't do anything about them and then one day... the unimaginable happened.... not sure what to do.... maybe I should talk to his doctor and see what she says????

Nothing has happened yet today..>I just wanted to come and be able to say I've updated the blog 2 days in a row...I only have 2 people that even know about this blog and I'm not sure either of them read it..pretty sure no one does... but sometimes it's nice to get your words down on (electronic) paper... It's monday... the start of another week.... got Ben off to school... Gary's off today but has to go to the other base for an interview for something. I want to order pics for my walls but it is so expensive... I finally opened some of my frames and got some pics up.... it looks good so far but I need more.... So that is going to be my project for a while...gotta order them first...I had them all set up through shutterfly yesterday but then had to cancel it because there were glossy photos i noticed after i'd checked out and i don't like glossy... so I have to go through and redo the order... walgreens is having a sale right now so i think i might just go through them this time... might be faster.. and cheaper is always better!

Been too long

Well, 
Again it has been way to long since I have updated this blog...I forget about it and then tons of things happen and I forget it all. 

Biggest thing is I moved to Alabama. It's interesting here I suppose. It's really hot and humid... and the people are either super nice or super rude. I think it just depends on which area of town you go to. 

We live on base now, it's okay I suppose. The houses are really cheap and sorta crappy... it seems smaller than our house in abq but the kids really love it here, there is a park out back and i swear everyone comes to that park. There are always kids out there... even when it rains! 

Ben goes to school on base but its not the base we live on... its about 20 minutes away to the other base. It's going pretty good so far. 

We got everything and unpacked... and i'd say we are pretty settled...  we hope to not be here forever... but I guess we will see... gary doesn't do his real job here so he is complaining pretty bad to the higher ups... i guess hoping to get moved so he can actually use the 10 months of training... but who knows... hopefully it doesn't backfire and keep us here longer...

I don't honestly think I could say that I will miss this place when I move. I don't really have any friends here, and I don't have a lot of opportunities to meet new people. Plus... I don't do real well with people anyway. I have 2 nice neighbors... and I talk to them sometimes... but I can tell they don't really have an interest in being my friend... one of them is significantly older than me ... and busy with her own kids... and the other is younger than me with no kids... so we don't have too much in common. I miss abq a little because I did have awesome friends there... I miss Amber and Carla so much... I still talk to them sometimes... and I of course still have Jessy... but its so hard being so far away. Although, while I was in Va for the 10 months I feel like she kind of blew me off a lot to hang out with her other friends..I mean I guess I get it since I have the kids and stuff... but it kind of hurt my feeling a little... I guess it was for the best... it would have been harder to move if we had been hanging out all the time...

I guess only time will tell... I am really excited though about November... Jessy and I are planning a girls weekend when the new twilight movie comes out... we are planning on going to the marathon! it's going to be awesome... right now we are thinking hilton head... neither of us have been before...it's going to be epic! i'm super excited! 

Well..I think that's a pretty good update for now.... More later if I remember! 

Good Bye Winter

Goodbye old man winter..... we really didn't get that aquainted this year.... I am not sad to see you go.., we have been having great weather this winter... and come tomorrow is spring!!!!!!! All the flowers are blooming and things start to look alive again. The grass will be green. The sky will be blue. The flowers will be pink and red and all the other colors. It has been a pretty great spring so far. The kids and I go outside and spend a lot of time out there.... they like to ride their bikes and scooters and they seem to be better behaved outside.... at least for the time being...i can't wait until we move and have a yard that I can let them out to play in without having to be right there supervising them all the time.... that will be nice..... only a few months left...i'm ready to be moving on in my life... get my stuff back.. and be able to parent my kids how i see fit... got in an argument about kids being able to scream outside... my perogative is .. .no screaming in the house.. but if they are outside.. they can screeam... all they want... of course others disagree.... mema doesn't think they should ever scream... or make noise... so stupid.... i just want to have my own house and yard again.... sigh.s...

Children

I swear I don't understand how people can WANT to be a single parent...I swear.... today B had a program at school that he had to sing at... so half an hour before he had to be there I was ready to go,  one problem... coulnd't find the keys... turns out after 45 minutes of looking for them they were in M's carseat... why? Because B had to go out to the car and get his backpack last night and forgot to bring the keys outside... so he missed 2 of the songs that he was supposed to sing.... and got in trouble... so he didn't do his best....I don't have the patience to be a good mom...I don't understand how people can say they want to be a single parent... there's no one else to help you do anything... and it's very very stressful....

Writing

I notice that when something is really bothering me it makes me feel better to write it all down... but I don't trust writing stuff down on paper.... I don't think that I like other people to be able to read what I write...I mean this is the internet and stuff... but the people I don't want to read my stuff probably couldn't figure out how to find it. I kind of miss my diary that I had online.... It was a place where I could go and post whatever I wanted but I kind of feel that I am too old for that now.... In a way I feel important if I think of myself as a blog writer... haha.... stupid I know... but it worked...I felt so much better last night after I wrote that blog... and I wasn't upset about it. I hope to write in this blog more often...Might be more healthy for me....Heh...We'll see...

The things I couldn't say

I wish we were closer and had a better relationship. I wish you weren't afraid to tell me things that are going on with you. I wish you trusted me enough to tell me what's going on. I suppose you don't want me to worry about you and think that not telling me about it is the best key, but honestly it just makes me feel like you don't care enough about me to give it to me straight. I wish I could tell you that I knew you loved me. I wish  I could tell you that I loved you. I wish things were different for us. I wish you never had such a horrible sickness. I wish you didn't have to have another surgery. I wish you were done with your treatments. I wish it would go away. I wish you didn't go away when I was younger. I wish I wouldn't have distanced myself. I wish you would have tried harder to stay in contact with me instead of just vanishing.  I wish you were able to be more open with me. I wish  I was able to be more open with you. I don't understand why we weren't able to have a normal relationship but I hope that one day, things will change. I wish I knew more about you.... I wish there was a do-over button... there's no other relationship in my life that I wish I could change as much as the one between us. I  know I made some mistakes... and I know you made some too.... I just wish they were fixable. I wish I could have a relationship with you that wasn't so strange. I wish I wouldn't have ever seen you with J. Until that point I just figured you just didn't know how or weren't that kind of person. The day I saw you interact with her it broke my heart. I knew you were able to do things with her and talk with her in a way I couldn't ever imagine. I feel we could sit in a room for a day and probably not say a single word to each other. I wish I knew if there was a reason for that. I feel sometimes like you a stranger to me. I don't know too much about you. I feel like I know more about her than I know about you. I love her too, don't get me wrong...   I feel she was probably the best choice you ever made in your life.... and I have always thought she was great. You guys together give me inspiration for my own life. I hope know that I'm not a horrible person, a horrible daughter. I hope that you are happy in your heart. I hope you don't think I don't care. I hope you don't hold a grudge as long I can. I hope you know that no matter what happened in the past or the what happens in the future that I love you. I've never told you and I can't remember a time where you ever told me. I wish that weren't the case. I wish today wouldn't have been the 3rd time I remember hugging you. I wish today wasn't the first time I really felt like a hug was appropriate. I wish today wouldn't have been the first time I felt like you really hugged me. I hope it isn't the last. I hope you don't think I'm crazy. I hope you don't think I don't care. As I pulled away from your house today I said I love you to your house. You were already in. I cried on the way home because I wasn't able to tell you to your face.  I'm nervous. I am so scared that something could go wrong and I'm not ready to lose you. I wish I wasn't such a baby. I wish I didn't feel like you never wanted me. I wish I didn't have to write this into a blog to make my mind stop thinking about it. I wish I wasn't crying because it makes me angry. I hope you are proud of me despite me not having any real accomplishments. I hope you love me, but I hope you love your grandkids more. They deserve more than I got. I tell my kids every single day that I love them because I honestly want them to know. If something happened to me tomorrow I want my kids to know how much they mean to me and that I loved them with every inch of my being. I hug them and kiss them EVERY day.... even if they are in trouble. I want them to know. I want them to have the affections that make them feel complete I wish I was able to tell you this myself, but the words would never come out. I wish I was able to send this to you without feeling different the next time I see you. I wish that it wouldn't change anything, but I know it would. I wish we had a different relationship. I love you. I wish you the best on Wednesday. I wish I could come and see you at the hospital but I know it would make us both uncomfortable. I wish it didn't make us uncomfortable. We can't change our pasts... we can't go back and change anything. No bad decisions can be prevented after they happen, but they can before. Today was a good step. I hope you don't think it was weird. I wish you the best on Wednesday and I hope to hear from you soon. I love you.